It’s New Year’s Eve. What a year it has been. I am now almost three weeks out from my last surgery and this time, there was no recovery time. There was supposed to be but I had to be back to me by the next day to keep things rolling here. I wasn’t going to let that surprise operation be my setback. My third chemo was delayed by one week and my last dance with the red devil is scheduled for this Wednesday morning. I’m looking forward to moving on from this particular kind of chemotherapy and onto a nicer weekly infusion for 12 weeks. This has been some seriously some rough stuff.
It’s been a crazy year, full of good and not so good. My oldest son had pneumonia and was down for ten days. Then I got it and was down for about a month. It was hard. Summer came and we were off to Cabo San Lucas for two weeks followed by North Wildwood for another week. Then came September and Felicia reared her head, which I had chopped off, sorta. My cancer diagnosis changed many things. I slowed down, reluctantly and somewhat. I rebounded from a double mastectomy faster that most people would. I couldn’t let that hinder my duties here. Granted, I did stuff I really should not have and still do. The last operation had me driving and lifting things by the next morning. Sorry cancer, you can take my boobs and hair but you’re not taking who I am. I’m no quitter. Never have been.
Since I was diagnosed in September, I haven’t worked out. I’ve taken walks around the block with the pup but that’s it. I still don't have full use of my arms, mainly the left. Working out was a huge part of who I am. I loved challenging myself. Between surgeries and awful weather, I was slowly losing a part of myself I find important. I’ve always strived to be the best version of myself as possible That meant working out and eating clean. I thought about going back to where I was working out but there’s quite a number of little kids roaming around there for preschool.. Buncha little germ magnets, no thanks! Between kids and toddlers running around the locker room and the mess of swim meets and not being able to find a parking space, I realized, I needed a change. So, my husband suggested a local place which has just opened up a few months ago and I joined. And I love it. So far, two days in a row, I’ve power walked and ran. Easy parking, clean place and no more excuses. I’m back. I need a perky butt to match my perky foobs!
Cancer and chemotherapy also changed the way we did the holidays this year. Thanksgiving, we spent just the four of us and I would up in the hospital overnight due to an infection. Next day, family came over to celebrate with us. Normally, we host Christmas Eve but my in-laws wanted to do it this year and it was a welcome and lovely evening with them and our niece and nephews. Sometimes, change is good. It certainly was this year and I am thankful for my husbands family. They're mine now and I'm not letting go.
My appearance changed. Long gone is my crazy red hair. That’s been replaced with some wigs and hats to hide what little hair I have right now. I love my pink wig best. It’s super fun and super comfortable. Chemotherapy causes us to lose our hair in spurts. It's actually a little amusing. I’ve lost my nose hairs. That gives me a perpetual runny nose. If you’re going to take my nose hairs, please take the arm hair too because peeling that neulasta patch is a real b*tch every other week! I’m really hoping to hold onto my eyebrows and eyelashes so I don’t wind up looking like a conehead! I don't want to resort to a sharpie!
Have I embraced these changes? Absolutely I have. What else can I realistically do? It is what it is and is only temporary. There’s some positives to this. I can get ready for the day even faster now that I don’t have to sweat the hair thing for a while. I’ve been accessorizing with hats, scarves and wigs, a whole new reason to shop! I’ve taken a closer look at what I eat and put on my skin.
My foobs have grown. Still a tiny bit lopsided that will be corrected shortly. I think I may be the only one who can tell. Lefty is a little bruised yet from the last operation and I’m still on antibiotics to prevent another infection. Every once in a while I’ll reach across my chest for something and be like, “WTF do I keep bumping into? Oh yeah, it’s one of them!” These things are wild! I can't get over how much bigger these things are. They’re still numb, along with most of my chest and my poor left arm and arm pit. Sometimes it itches and I can’t scratch it because I can’t feel the scratching part! UGH!!! My left arm always feels like it is sticking to my side but I’m told that’s the nerve ending trying to come back. There’s also the issue that I can’t sense them very well. Let me put it this way, I flashed the lovely pair to a room full of people in Washington DC. Oh well! Not my fault!
Last year gave me a huge set back, a mountain of sorts to climb. Luckily, I have a great team of medical professionals cheering me on and steering me in the right direction so I can have the rest of my life back. 2019 will be my come back year. I’ve started already. I don’t do resolutions, never have. Life is dynamic and if we are self-aware, we are constantly changing and re-evaluating ourselves and goals and accomplishments.
Fifteen years ago, right after we were married, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer, had an operation and has been cancer free ever since. From that came our sons, the greatest blessings we could have ever imagined. From something catastrophic came something beautiful. I’m looking at my cancer with those same eyes. What wonderful future will come from this? We always have a choice how we see the world and our own situations . I choose hope.
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