The hustle and bustle of my chemotherapy journey is almost done. My little infusion suite has been busy with oncology nurses popping in and out, the holistic nurse coming in for Reiki and such and the Comfort Project 360 ladies making sure I’m fed and hydrated. Aside from them, it’s quiet…and boring, stressful and lonely all at the same time. I am looking forward to not going weekly shortly but every three weeks instead for targeted therapy. I will have more free time and will begin to heal after my last chemotherapy on April 3.
This last chemotherapy drug I am on is cumulative, meaning it’s never fully gone before the next dose. After eight rounds, I look the same but there’s a difference in how I feel. I’m more tired, my blood counts are taking hits every week and are all over the place, my skin is so dry that it cracks and bleeds (hello bloody socks), I have lots of nose bleeds (and have developed trust issues with sneezes), rashes, heartburn, lack of appetite, headaches and overwhelming thirst. Each week, it becomes a game of googling which foods will give me the vitamins and minerals I need to fix things and feel better. Just when I get my side effect ducks in a row, they wander off, quacking at me and probably giving me the finger, and I start all over again. Despite this, I keep going. I was told lots of women have to drop the dose down or take a week off from this regimen when they hit rounds 7/8. Not me. Some women don’t finish all 12 rounds because of how brutal it is. Not me. I’m going for all 12. I need to know I am doing everything to ensure this evil disease does not return.
I look relatively the same as I did back in November when I first lost my hair. Some days I feel great, occasionally I don’t. As the day wears on, I grow more tired quickly. The days I feel I’m at 50%, I still function as though I’m 100%. Why? What choice do I realistically have? I am an adult with adult responsibilities. Shit still needs to get done. It’s not “the man flu.” Kids need to be fed and helped with school work, dog needs to be walked, house stuff needs to be done…and I still hit the gym hard and work with a personal trainer on developing strength and stamina again. There is no down time in my world. I rest when my head hits the pillow at night and then it’s another day closer to being done. If I am able to maintain life while feeling this way, I truly look forward to how things will be when I am done!!
I’ve added in some extra household chores since starting chemo. The lovely act of disinfecting all four bathrooms daily is a beast but, damn y’all, I’ve got boys. That leads me to the other duty, disinfecting hard floor surfaces and the shower daily. Somehow or other, I managed to pick up a toe infection. Shall we name it? I hereby name it…wait for it… “chemo toe.” You’re welcome. Normally it’s not a big deal. When you’re on chemo, it’s a huge deal. My body is struggling to fix it and I need to soak it several times per day and lots of antibiotic creams. It’s the pinky toe, too! Useless little thing giving me problems now!!!
I am trying to plan out my last day of chemotherapy. I don’t think my cancer center has a bell for me to ring but I am hunting for a tiny little bell that I can tie a pink ribbon to. It’s symbolic, ring the bell and run like hell out of there!! I have my “Straight Outta Chemo” shirt to wear and hopefully going out for lunch afterwards. I want to celebrate making it through 5 months of chemotherapy. You have to have balls to get through this, no doubt.
I have been in physical therapy since January, going twice a week. I lost range of motion after the emergency surgery I had back in December (which set me back a week in chemotherapy, damn it) and developed ‘frozen shoulder’ and the start of chording. Those things made daily tasks rough and hella painful. I’ve pushed through and regained full range of motion and most of my strength back. I should be done with physical therapy by the end of this week, hopefully.
Chemotherapy forces me to think constantly and differently. I plan shopping trips for the least busy times at stores and if my counts are down, I quarantine myself. If I hear of measles outbreaks in NJ, I steer far away from those counties. Yes, I avoid the county like the plague…because it is a plague to me. I stay far away from anywhere that large groups of kids are because we all know they are full of icky germs that I don’t need. When I get my car back from valet at the cancer center, I pop out the antibacterial wipes and every surface I touch gets cleaned real fast, while I wear gloves for the ride home. When various blood counts are down, I quickly look up how to bring them back through nutrition. So far, each time, it has worked! I am eating my weight in kale and spinach and hopefully not turning green! I clean the treadmill at the gym with an antibacterial wipe I have hidden in my sleeve before touching anything, wash my hands after my workout and then hand sanitizer in the car. I don’t think anyone other than another immunocompromised person could understand the amount of stress and anxiety that hovers daily for me. It will be nice not to have to do those things anymore and be carefree again.
I have three short little weeks until I am all done with chemotherapy. I will have eight weeks to heal before heading for final reconstruction. I’ll be planning out my tattoo during those weeks!
What does heal mean? It’s physical and psychological. It will take several weeks for all of the chemo drugs to exit my system. They work rather quickly in the body but tend to linger and build up over the course of time, causing me to feel less than stellar at times. It will need to vacate the premises. As they leave, my blood counts should steadily go back up to where they should be, making me stronger and healthier. My lovely yet unhappy mucous membranes should become less irritated and swollen and go back to normal. Although my hair is growing now, it should increase in length and volume at a faster pace, hopefully with the hair on my head growing as savagely as the hair on my legs have been! Psychologically, what does that mean though? I will not have Wednesdays set aside for chemo and Mondays and Fridays will be free from physical therapy. I will have the gift of time again. It’s exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I will have significantly less stress in terms of logistical planning for my kids and pets. That will make life easier. Chemo brain will return to my own warped brain, the fog has been brutal at times but has caused lots of laughter with my kids. I’ll be able to think more clearly and really help them more with school. I’ll be able to focus and read and be more creative again. There’s an odd downside to all of this that most people don’t think about, unless you’re a chemotherapy patient.
As crazy hectic and chaotic as it has been with surgeries and chemotherapy, I have been actively destroying this beast. I will be on Herceptin and Perjeta for a year, but that is not chemotherapy. The active killing will be done. Logically speaking, I know my surgeons and oncologist have done everything to ensure it is gone and won’t be back. Will there be a tiny bit of fear now? Who knows. I’ve chosen to not live like a cancer patient while going through this crazy epic journey since September 7. I need to continue to live this way, if not even better, after April 3. I will be closely followed and monitored for the rest of my life and I find comfort in that. Staying active and working out will continue and hopefully be kicked up to a higher level as I detox out the chemo and gain stamina and more strength. I am working with a personal trainer who is fantastic and definitely pushes and challenges me. I am starting to notice some changes already and that makes me very happy. I watch very carefully what I consume as well. That will continue at the pace it is now, which is better than it has ever been in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I still eat for fun and enjoy it but now I read every single label and make smarter decisions.
There are advances being made in the treatment of various breast cancers every week. Years ago, a diagnosis of being HER2+ had a grim prognosis. Now, it’s manageable, treatable and curable when caught early. Barely a week goes by where I am not reading about a new targeted therapy for it, new medications or possible new chemotherapy protocols for all of the different breast cancers. The horizon looks promising. Not gonna lie here, it can still be scary, the word cancers scares most everyone, even me at times. The key is to find a team of surgeons and oncologists who you trust completely and to also take charge of your own health and well being. Staying informed is important, staying off of Google is equally as important. I know what I need to know. I know HER2+ is very aggressive, I know my stage, grade and Ki67 score. That’s all I need to know. I do my best not to read horror stories about it. Google has a plethora of horror stories about everything. I’m sure if I search enough, I can find doom and gloom stories about someone who died because of a paper cut. I won’t do that to myself. My future looks bright and rosy with a full life ahead of me…
Spring time is a few short days away. Temperatures are slowly warming, daylight hours are longer now. Soon things will be growing and blooming again, the outside world will be full of life. The timing is perfect for me. I started this trip in the fall, as things withered and died and life became grey and cold. I went through two months of tests and diagnosis and surgery followed by 5 hard months of chemo. I’m ready to feel the warmth of the sun on my quasi bald little head…I’ve grown quite a bit over the last seven months. Now I am ready to live as vibrantly as the spring allows…
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