My week started by losing a Mantra Band with the quote, “She Believed She Could, So She Did.”I was surprised at how I didn’t panic nor did I get upset. I bought that bracelet as soon as I had finished the 12 Taxol infusions. I always celebrated my little milestones as they were pretty big to me. Thinking back, I’m not so sure I believed that I would make it to this point. There have been points in my life that I should have believed in myself more, like my decision to go back to college and get a degree in Chemistry with a teaching certification. I didn’t have too much confidence in myself back then, but it was plain old determination that got me through most of life.
I have learned a lot about life and myself since my diagnosis in 2018. No matter what you are doing, or where you are, time goes by. While I was an active treatment, life went past me at warp speed. While everyone else was able to live life normally, I was bound within the confines of treatment and trying to keep myself healthy. I was in the battle for survival. Determination.
Recently, my oldest was asked who his mentor or role model is. Without hesitation, he replied it was me. He used words such as “Strong, independent, always learning and believing in others.” It dawned on me that I’ve never really believed in myself or the things I could be capable of. In hindsight, that’s probably held me back over the years.
When my boys were small and the husband was working, I cheered them on, bragged about them and their accomplishments. Most of my life, I have always been quiet and shy…downright timid. I was always afraid to try something new and put myself out there. I have spent most of my life in the shadows, being everyone else’s cheerleader and supporter. I have since learned that it is OK to cheer myself on in my endeavors. It is OK to share the things that make me feel proud of myself.
Determination and believing in yourself are two distinctly different things and beautiful things happen when they don’t work in isolation. I realized when I lost my bracelet that I really got through all of the chemotherapy on sheer will and determination, full on survival mode. I didn’t fully believe in myself…yet.
Fast forward to today. I have learned that we are never too old to learn, grow and make a difference. I am doing things now that I never imagined I could. Believing in myself means I’m not afraid to fail while learning and growing. I have formed friendships with some incredibly strong women who never cease to inspire me.
I ordered and received my new bracelet, my replacement, the real one now. It means so much more to me now because I do believe that I can, and will continue to do so.