So here I sit with a shiny bald head, one glorious boob, one flat side and a testicle on a tentacle again while walking in circles from being lopsided…how did I get here?
Things were progressing very according to schedule in terms of chemotherapy. Right on cue, I lost my hair between days 16-19 post round one of AC. That didn’t fall out evenly and left me looking like a fuzzy demented parakeet of sorts for a few days. It also gave me a horrendously sore scalp, which was a harsh reminder any time I’d try to cover up baldilocks. That seems to have settle down and I can cover my head for short spans without losing my mind.
Round two of AC went perfectly according to plan, some side effects again, mainly exhaustion on day 3 but I managed to bounce back quickly. One of the things chemo does is it kills off rapidly dividing cells to eliminate the bad evil ones. That also means the hair goes. It’s temporary. It also destroys my immune system. I spent Thanksgiving night in isolation in the hospital due to one infection. I have been determined to avoid others. Well, another one found me. Here we go again!
The one thing chemotherapy has done for me is it has made me very self aware of any changes with my body. On Monday morning, I found a red spot on my chest that wasn’t there the night before. I knew I was in trouble when I touched it and it was hot, not in the fun way. I called the oncologist on call and he put a message out to my team and my plastic surgeon called me immediately. After dropping the kids off at middle school, I was to head directly to his office. Needless to say, that didn’t run smoothly. One kid forgot his backpack so I had to come back for that!
In my head, I was thinking it was an infection, which was correct. I figured antibiotics and I would be fixed again. WRONG. My surgeon was unruffled by what he saw and told me I was going in for emergency surgery the next day. The plan was to go in through the original scar and remove everything. Yep, lose the filled expander and clean the surrounding area with a power washing of antibiotics. Replace expander with a new one and start over. The thought was that the cadaver tissue separated from mine and formed a pocket which is a breeding ground for bacteria. I got stuck on the word cadaver for a minute and let out a long “eeeeeeeeeew.’ And then I cried.
I cried but this time, it wasn’t out of fear. It was frustration. Oddly, I was looking forward to this next round of chemo. I would be 75% done with the rough stuff. This is a set back. I don’t want a set back. I have no choice in this. Add this to having kids in middle school who have tests and quizzes and need to get to school. I figured it out and got it done. I’m back on that roller coaster ride from Hell with the ghost of former boobs, AKA Felicia, leading the charge. Ugh.
On the way back from the plastic surgeon, I had to stop at the pharmacy to pick up the two antibiotics but only one was a available and the pharmacist was a little taken aback by the medications so she triple checked with my doctor. I picked up those pills and hauled across to the next town to pick up the other and a bottle of water so I could chug it down asap. From there, I had a cardiology appointment to check my heart because of my rapid heart rate, which was back to normal, aside from this whole thing. Epic shit show of a morning, right? Turns out, after EKG and Echo, my heart is just fine, thankfully! Cardiologist feels that I am just over stressed. No shit, sherlock, ya think!? That's what I'v been saying all along! Bullet dodged.
Just as I was starting to get used to this slightly goofy looking alien like body and head, shit was gonna change. I had to remove all of my jewelry and no makeup what so ever for surgery. I walked in to the hospital like a little androgynous looking elf/troll. Not a good look for anyone, trust me. I had a raging headache from not being able to drink my water overnight so they immediately hooked me up for hydration and I was so much more pleasant! I wasn’t looking forward to seeing what I’d wake up to. I somehow woke up in the operating room asking them if they had anything good to eat because I couldn’t take the hunger anymore. They laughed, moved me and got me plenty of cranberry juice. I hate cranberry juice but the only time I like it is immediately following surgery. Who knew.
Surgery went well, no issues and no surprises, aside from a good one. Turns out, the infection was superficial and not in my tissue. Unfortunately, there was no way of knowing without going in. They don’t play when you’re on chemotherapy. I’s better to be safe than sorry and as rough as this is, I get it and am grateful that I have a proactive team. Still, I’m on some strong antibiotics that are messing with my digestive system. Man, the stuff ya gotta do!
I am back to wearing the corset from hell that Satan designed. At least this time, it is pink. You definitely won’t see this on any runway fashion show. I have balls again, well, just one. I gotta drain that thing twice daily and record it. It’s snugly fastened to my side again with the tentacle under the corset. Hawt. Anyway, it’s my little reminder that you have to be tough as balls to get through what I’m doing. It’s no walk in the park. I’m back to having post surgical pains and T. Rex is back on the left. Small set back. I’m on target for chemo for next week. Hopefully, it was just a one week delay and I can get back to my schedule and get this done. I am impatient.
It’s taken me a while to get used to these different changes each step of the way. I’ve tried to normalize this as much as I can for my kids, which inadvertently helps me. I’m back to letting my baldness fly free when I’m home and cover it up when I leave. I don’t want to freak out little kids and honestly, it’s coooooooold out! I’m deflated on the left. It’s not so bad as I knew what to expect this time and I know how it will look again, soon. I regret not asking for a squeaky mechanism though. How fun would that be?! Someone needs to design that.
I certainly don’t look the way I did when I was diagnosed three months ago. I don’t feel the same either. Honestly, I don’t think I’m that same person anymore and that’ a good thing. So what, I’m a little bald for now…ok, really bald. I have so many options. I have two beautiful wigs that I can wear when I want, many adorable hats and I have the coolest pink wig coming to me from the Pink Wig Project. Here’s a fun thing, my hair will grow back and who knows what it will look like! That’s kind of exciting!
This morning as I was getting ready, my youngest walked into the bathroom and giggled, then asked why I was putting sparkly glitter on my bald head. I simply replied, “who says I can’t be glamourous and bald at the same time.” He laughed, gave me a hug and told me I was beautiful…and I believe him…