Three years ago, I got the dreaded call. It was my son’s birthday and I kept my diagnosis hushed. Each year since, it hovers and is a somber reminder that life is short.
Here I sit, year three. Survivor. Still trying to make sense of it all, still trying to heal and get stronger.
Survivors know all of our dates. Diagnosis, surgeries, chemotherapy start and end dates, we know them well. What we chose to do with them is as vast as the earth is big. We are all different. Some choose to push it behind and march forwards as though nothing happened. Some celebrate, some are conflicted. I’m a combination of the last two.
It’s been important to me to celebrate the milestones, some more quietly than others. The aches and pains, neuropathy and scars make it quite impossible to stuff away behind me, pretending it never happened. I’d be a fraud if I were to do that. This diagnosis and journey is a part of who I am.
There are a lot of mixed emotions for me. I am grateful to have survived the way I have. I take comfort in knowing I have done all that I can to rid myself of cancer. Big steps were taken. I am excited for the future yet there’s always a fear of recurrence. That’s normal, I’m told.
As a survivor, it is important to me to tell my story. A cancer diagnosis is not always an automatic death sentence. I share details. That’s what I needed early on. I wanted the raw truth, not a sugar coated feel good story. I was always searching for stories like mine, same type and subtypes, I wanted hope in a sea of despair. Now, I try to shine a glimmer of hope, wanting journeys into this abyss to be a little less insane for others and provide a hand to hold.
Today makes three years since I’ve heard, “you have cancer.” It seems so long ago as so much has happened and yet, the sharp sting of those words still feel like an open wound, slow to heal. I don’t think that feeling ever really goes away. There’s a saying that goes “Time heals all wounds.” I’m not sure I buy into that in my case. You know what, that’s ok. I’m ok. My wounds motivate me to help myself and others.
It’s year three, the year of me? Maybe!! I look at life as an adventure. It’s gotten me to a wonderful place…so, if you get a chance, raise a glass today and embrace the life you have! I know I will!
