I’m odd. I like it when people ask me questions about my cancer diagnosis and journey. I especially enjoy questions that I find profound. I hope by sharing these thoughts and anecdotes, that people become more open and less afraid of the big C word. Some people can’t bring themselves to say it. I recently had a conversation with someone whose wife had surgery for cancer and they feel margins were clear and so were her lymph nodes. That was it. No further treatment. I am over the moon thrilled for her and him. He told me they had a conversation and he needed to ask me something. Is it remission, it is cancer free, what is she now? She doesn’t like cancer free because it has cancer in it. She wants no part of that. Oh, I get it…
Remission. We all hear the word but what exactly does it mean? According to Oxford, “diminution of the seriousness or intensity of disease or pain; a temporary recovery.” In the cancer world, it means treatment has stopped and you’re good. In my head, remission sounds like a break. Although remission is a good thing, I don’t like that word. I don’t want a break. I want that shit gone. It sounds like the little bastard cancer cells are hanging out somewhere, dormant or in suspended animation. They’re not gone, they’re not dead. I don’t like that word. It doesn’t ring of hope. It rings of waiting for another round of battle. Early stages of some cancers can be cured, like mine and like hers. That’s called complete remission by some. Stage 4 can go into remission and that’s good.
No Evidence of Disease or No Evidence of Active Disease. Although this is also a good thing, let’s be clear, it does not mean cured. It means that nothing comes up on imaging nor other tests showing that the cancer is active. Again, it feels like waiting for it to return. Waiting means fear.
Cancer Free. Has a lovely sound. Right? It’s gone. Surgical intervention removed it, margins clear. Chemotherapy sought out and destroyed the rogue cells who thought they were badass and made a run for the lymphatic system. I was under a “curative” protocol with mine. Curative means able to cure disease. Curative chemotherapy is done to eliminate ALL of the cancer cells, no matter what phase they are in. The body is left free of cancer cells. I don’t like the word cancer either but I love the word free more.
Cancer free means more than free of this disease to me. It means freedom from the fear of it returning. Freedom from overthinking everything. I will be free to live my life amongst you muggles who’ve not traveled this road. Cancer free rings of hope and positivity. After spending 16-17 months of my life doing everything possible to rid my body of this disease, I need a little sunshine and hope.
Cancer free is not synonymous with NED, NEAD nor remission. In the world of breast cancer patients, there’s much debate over use of the words. Some say there is no such thing as ever being cancer free. I call bullshit. I’m gona say this loud and proud. My husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer when we were first married. After researching all of the options, he chose a prostatectomy. Margins were clear. The surgeon felt it had not spread and he has been cancer free ever since for sixteen years. He lives in that lovely world of hope. My ass is about to join it.
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