From the time we are diagnosed and progress from surgeries and chemotherapies, we undergo many transformations. Some good and some hell, but we change…like unwilling butterflies. I had been watching these Monarch butterflies last month near my home and on the soccer field. They fly about so gracefully and peacefully, as though they have always been the way they are. Beautiful and seemingly carefree. I simultaneously want to chase them and be like them.
I also kinda want to hide from the cancer life. I want to run from the responsibility of doctor appointments and hours of physical therapy each week. I want some freedom and fun too. I want some down time. I’ve gone through the hell stage of fear, losing my hair, chemotherapy side effects, more surgeries and unpleasantness, etc. The butterfly went through some ugliness to get a hold of their wings and glide about the world peacefully. I want that same peaceful feeling. Hopefully I don’t get wings because that would mean I’m dead and an angel, although I don’t think I’d be headed upwards in the death elevator! For those of you going that way, save me a seat and who’s bringing the booze?
I like the butterfly analogy. It has a hint of prettiness to it in a world of ugliness. The ramifications of chemotherapy and surgeries can certainly leave you feeling ugly, and unless you have gone through it, there’s no way you can understand it. The loss of hair and body parts at times makes me feel downright insecure and unfeminine. That’s a tough trench to try and dig yourself out of alone. All in due time. I want to be like the butterfly but for now I feel more like a zombie, sometimes moving as slow as one. It’s called the “new normal.” It ain’t normal. Not even close. Naively I thought I would go through surgeries and chemo and life would go back to the way it was. It can’t. The entire process has such a profound impact. It wounds your soul, wrecks any trust in your body and leaves reminders that it tried to take your ass down. I am navigating life in a world post apocalypse, otherwise known as cancer for you muggles out there. I often wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop second guessing most things I do.
I never got my pedicure because I second guessed myself right out of going because words from other people pushed fear into my mind. Fear of germs and bacteria and infections. Things we don’t want near us if our immune systems are compromised. I decided I wanted a haircut instead.
When we start this journey, we are very well aware that we will lose our hair. I chose to get a transitional haircut and traded my long bob for a buzzed pixie cut. I cried while my hair was being cut. It wasn’t the cut that was upsetting. It was what it symbolized. My life was about to be turned upside down and the loss of hair that would follow meant no turning back. I loved the haircut and simultaneously loathed what it symbolized. Eight weeks of the Red Devil and then twelve weeks of taxol followed. I lost it all after the second round of the Red Devil. It started coming back in when I started Taxol. White and silver feathery tufts began to sprout on my head. I thought for sure I’d have some decent hair length to cut by the end of summer but that was not the case. Herceptin and Perjeta can seriously slow the growth down significantly…and that it did. It took seven months to get enough hair to warrant some help.
I had been trimming the back and sides with a buzzer until we went to Mexico. So what changed? A freaking sneeze while using the clippers left a shit storm on the nape of my neck. Compound that with the lack of style and no idea what to do with my hair, I knew I needed help. Since the place I went to for my transitional cut was very compassionate and upbeat, I went back and had a different stylist. After all was said and done, I have a hairstyle again and she miraculously fixed the back of my head! If you are in my neck of the woods, go to Bollo in Montville. Every single person there is lovely and kind and mega talented. Will I be tempted to take the clippers to my head again? I really hope not because I am enjoying my hair now and no longer look that much like Moe from the Three Stooges.
Hair care is a who new bag of craziness. What used to work with my hair simply won’t do now. I’m careful about what I use as there are chemicals and crap in haircare that I don’t want on my skin. I try to be reasonable and realistic. Parabens, sulfates, phthalates, mineral oil and petroleum are a definite no no and I try to make sure any fragrance is listed towards the end of ingredients. Fragrance can mean any number of chemicals we really do not want nor need. There are better ways. Right now, I’m loving Ion Wellness Solutions natural line from Sally’s and Living Proof Perfect Hair Day. Both leave my hair clean and soft. If you want to go with a MLM line, Arbonne and Beauty Counter are the only two I would trust, mainly for their lack of lawsuits and their transparency. I do love Arbonne makeup, no joke, it’s really good stuff! It took me many years to figure out how to embrace and enhance my naturally crazy hair and now I am starting over. I love my silver, that’s here to stay. I do tinker with depositing conditioners once in a while for fun. I am stumped most days on how to style this crazy new crop of hair. It’s wavier and thicker and funkier. Those are all winners for me! If y’all know of natural styling pomades, aside from Alternas Cavier, lemme know…I need a little help in this department til it gets a little longer.
Some days now my hair is silver, somedays it’s pink while others it is teal. I’m keeping myself amused as it continues to grow. I do have hair envy from time to time and miss my crazy red mane. We old farts can have the fun hair too so please, don’t tell me I’m too old. If you think that way, perhaps you’re too old?
The first haircut symbolized the beginning of this cancer journey. This second haircut let me know that things are going to be ok again. Things won’t go back to the way they were and maybe that’s ok. A new normal doesn’t have to suck. Life is dynamic and sometimes we need to not fight change but embrace it more. Perhaps instead of growing wings like the butterfly, I get to grow hair…fun and vibrant hair…because life should be as fun and vibrant as possible…
コメント