My youngest watched me in the mirror as I brushed my hair and said, “You’re like a pretty zombie with all of those stitches in your neck.” That one caught me off guard and made me laugh, a lot. He is an awesome little tween! I still laugh when I think about it. He was referring to my port. Not gonna lie, it is a very weird feeling having it. It does not hurt at all, just a little uncomfortable when I move around a bit. I can always count of him for the perfect comic relief moment!
Chemotherapy changes many things in life, whether or not anyone cares to admit it. It makes me paranoid!! The simple act of coughing without covering your mouth or moving your head away from me, scares me. I have no immune system. I cannot get sick. My OCD is in overdrive with hand washing and then the whole Lysol and bleach the life out of my house. What happens if I get sick? I wind up in the hospital for a few days. I can’t. Help a pink sister out (and the rest of society) by being mindful about the spread of germs.
Chemotherapy makes me tired. Seriously tired. The fatigue hits around the same time everyday so that’s nice!! I can plan around it. I can still function and get shit done for everyone during the day but don’t ask me for anything after 5pm. I’m done. When I fall asleep, I fall asleep hard and fast and am done for the night. I can’t help it. I was told to rest when my body says to. No problem there because mine says, “girl, you’re gonna sleep NOW!”
You would think with all of this sleep I’m getting that I’d have a lovely complexion. WRONG. Hello dark circles. Seriously, WTF? Thank goodness for Shape Tape Concealer from Tarte. I really look like a zombie without it. Temporary, I remind myself…
I’m a thirsty bitch! For real! Holy camel life, all I do is drink the water!! Around 3 Liters per day. I wake up in the middle of the night jonesing for water!! It’s insane but normal. My particular chemotherapy dries me out. I keep leaving water bottles all over the house, it’s my stash for when it hits!
Chemotherapy messes with your digestive system. Big Time. Loss of appetite, missing meals because you’re asleep and then the belly pains. I’ll spare ya the details but will tell you to NEVER take a full dose of milk of magnesia after devouring a canister of prunes (or two) and expect a lovely evening. I’m fine now, tyvm!
Now here’s a weird one for me. Pictures. Photography is my life, always has been. I take pictures of everything and everywhere. I even take pictures for other people as my work. I took pictures while on the beaches at Cabo San Lucas and North Wildwood this past summer and we had every intention of using them for our holiday cards. Honestly, I do not like beach pictures for cards unless they were taken right before using. It’s fall and sucky up here. Who are we kidding by using those pictures? Anyway, it was time to order our cards this weekend and I was dreading it. The picture is gorgeous. We all look amazing and we’re all smiling and it’s perfect. It was wrong, all wrong. They are all unchanged but that person with the wavy red hair is no longer who I am, physically and mentally. The thought of using it hurt profoundly. I wanted to yell out, “that’s not me anymore! I don’t even look like that! It’s fake!!” I am not thrilled about my short cropped hair, but it is actually is hella cute and it’s what I look like, for now. A young lady even told me I look “badass” with it. My boobs are bigger, winning!!! So that’s different too. I’m not hiding. This is who I am now and I am good with that. Fortunately, we had a nice snow fall and my sons nicer clothes still fit (I need to go shopping for them soon!) and I managed to get my family outside and got a picture in one shot. And I love it. It is us, perfectly. Kids have huge smiles, husband’s blue eyes sparkle and I look like me. I designed the cards and ordered them yesterday and am looking forward to sending them all out. This is who we all are now.
Outwardly, I guess I do look pretty damn normal. Inside, there are many things going on, sometimes funny, sometimes frustrating and often scary. My prognosis is good, my future is bright but that doesn’t make the journey minuscule or any less valid. If you ask me how I’m doing, you’ll always get the blatant truth and sometimes you’ll pee yourself laughing and sometimes you’ll want to cry with me…both are ok. I have an arsenal of antibacterial wipes, tissues and hand sanitizer (and concealer) with me at all times! I’ll hook you up!
I guess I am a zombie of sorts, or a Frankenstein creation. I have many stitches, some new parts and a different look. It’s all good. I wear those proudly. Will I rock the bald head, too? Probably, unless it’s sub arctic temperatures! No shame in being a warrior. So, if you see me out there, with no hair, and you’re bald too, take a selfie with me! It’s perfectly ok to have a little fun ;)
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