I am approaching 5 years survivorship and then more importantly 5 years of being Felicia free (I named my tumor, one of the perks of cancer life I guess). It’s been wild. It’s been surreal. It’s also been downright frightening at times. Cancer is all give and take.
Cancer took quite a bit from me. It obviously took away some body parts (still a bit disappointment in how little they weighed.) Cancer took my hair. Now I am at the point where I am thoroughly enjoying having a pixie cut. Having straight hair took some getting used to and now it seems it is starting to develop a wave. Goes to show that you can never really control your hair so why even bother! I have lost a fair amount of strength, not that I was She-Ra or anything. I’ve been working on rebuilding that. I’ve lost the bone density I worked so hard to build up prior to being diagnosed. Chemotherapy made a mess of that.
It took away my ability to have peace of mind as I feel as though I am always looking over my shoulder. Every ache, pain or itch leaves me wondering, “so this is it?” I had a bump on the side of my head from closing a door on it (yeah, nice joke naming me Grace) and kept checking it while wondering if it were a swollen lymph node because of recurrence. I was relieved when it went away. The fear and anxiety is always lurking...
Looking back, I realize that cancer took away a fair amount of my independence while I was in treatment. My schedules were not my own, I lived week to week, appointment to appointment. Cancer can strip you of your dignity. Suddenly, every medical professional was obsessed with my boobs, then lack thereof and them my foobs. It’s a miserable feeling. It leaves you wondering how does one bounce back after all of that. I’m not sure that any of us ever really do as our scars are a constant reminder, and believe me the scars are huge, literally and figuratively.
But what has it given me, besides anxiety and a bodacious pair of tatas? It’s given me a drive to keep pushing forward. Not the same drive that pushed me through treatment, I have no clue what that was. I was just trying to survive and get through it. I run daily because I know I don’t want this thing coming back and exercise helps us stay in remission. I also run because I like seeing myself grow as a runner and sometimes be faster or see my miles increase.
Cancer has given me a little more courage now. I am venturing off into new things, things that would have scared me years ago. I am going to be exhibiting my photography in a show this fall. It intimidates me and exhilarates me at the same time. I am loving the process of prepping for it. That has caused me to really enjoy being out there with my camera again. I have also found myself on the committee for it, something I would have never done before.
I’ve been volunteering regularly and took on more of a leadership role there as well…and loving every minute of it. I am learning and growing. I don’t always know what I am doing and that doesn’t scare me, where 5 years ago, I would have been horribly intimidated.
I dunno, did cancer take my boobs and give me balls instead? It doesn’t matter. Five is the magic number, we strive for five, we desperately want that five. Does it mean the fears and anxieties go away? Nope. It’s a milestone. A big beautiful most glorious milestone…
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