Just as quietly as October came in, it leaves. Quite frankly, I’m glad. My 5 year NED/NEAD/Cancer Free day came and went without fanfare. Last year, year four, I summoned the courage to battle a needle, twice, and got tattoos. This was something I had always wanted to do but never had the courage to do something so permanent. Cancer changed that and gave it meaning. Year five is a big deal but how do you top off a pair of tattoos?! I’m in no hurry to get another tattoo although I leave the option open if anything seems significant enough to me.
As promised, I wore pink every day this month, as it is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I was tickled pink (see what I did there) when my sons decided they would wear pink in support on National Pink Day. I know it sounds silly to mortal muggles but, the simple act of doing so really gave me the feels.
I had my eyes examine this month and all is good, aside from having to update my bifocals. I said it, BIFOCALS. Nothing says, “Girl, you old now!!” like walking up to an optician with the frames you picked out to have them measure you for progressive lenses! Hey, at least I don’t have cataracts but give my body time, I’ll get there, I promise!
Aside from all things boobalicious, October means it’s time for my physical. I went. Everything was great…until…bloodwork came back. UGH. I am low on B-12 and my wbc came back flagged as low. Not gonna lie, it had me freaked out so bad. I’m still freaked out but not as bad. Sleep has been evasive and Doctor Google has never been a kind friend to me. I am now taking a sublingual B-12 supplement til next year. He did say that the B-12 may actually help a little with my neuropathy, which would be lovely since it is getting cooler and the hurt comes back when the fall comes in! So far, the only thing I notice is a bit more energy and when you’re like the energizer bunny, that’s a lot of energy!
Reading through conversations in some of my cancer groups (specific to being HER2 enriched), it seems as though many of us struggle to make it back up into the 4s with our white blood cell counts. I feel a little less anxiety filled now, knowing I am not alone. These groups area double edged sword. Information and experiences are shared and that is helpful but sometimes, I read things that frighten me and send me hurling into the abyss of fear. I put these groups on snooze every so often, for my own sanity. Fortunately, my oncology team feels all is good so that gives me some comfort again.
I think that a fair amount of us dwell in these little enclaves of shallow holes, peering out in hope, while fear sits on our shoulder. We are almost out, like inches away, but then something happens and fear bites us. Whether it is the death of someone who has what we were diagnosed with, a new medical symptoms, scanxiety or some form of white coat syndrome, we find ourselves afraid. Technology makes it entirely too easy to fall down into a menacing rabbit hole. I’ve climbed out of mine with the celebrity death only to have medical tests play whack a mole with me.
I have a choice here. I can wallow and stay afraid. I can push through and try to fix things as best I can. Those are clearly not the only choices. The one that works best for me is to feel the sucky things and sit for a bit with them. Then, at some point, I have enough of that crap. I pick myself up and say “F this, I’ve got things to do.” That’s where I am now. The fear has subsided (well, maybe some of it) and has been replaced with determination to fix this crazy little body of mine and be the best me I can be.
I may venture back to predominantly online shopping, mask wearing in crowded buildings (definitely at doctors offices!) and minimizing exposure to viruses…to steal a little catch phrase, because I’m worth it! Anyway, I was hit with a really awful sinus infection that took weeks to clear so that was a factor.
I have come to realize that healing is not merely a destination after cancer treatments have ended. It is a journey that we travel. Along the way, we get the chance to learn more about ourselves and how we got here. Healing from the Pink Storm is not so easy and it is a never ending effort. With more twists and turns than we bargain for, we just keep moving forward...
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