We hear of quite a few celebrities who have been diagnosed with breast cancer and that they “survived” their “battles” but we don’t really know of much more than that. They tend to not mention what type of breast cancer and what the protocol was and what they actually went through and yet, books are written and bought. It still seems as though there is a taboo on going into detail on this topic. That stinks. I want to hear stories about other women with my particular cancer and how they got through it. Don’t spare me the scary stuff, crazy side effects and all the nonsense that goes on inside our heads. As women, we can help each other heal and get through things if we are willing to share. I am more than willing to share. Cancer and chemo and all the stuff that goes along with it can be absolutely wacky, annoying, hilarious and upsetting…all at the same time.
I am not sure how I feel about the words ‘battled” and “survivor/survived.” Do I feel this is a battle or a fight? Nope. It’s a bullshit inconvenience, is what it is. I’m not battling anything. The word battle itself sounds dark and depressing. I don’t need dark and depressing in my life, ain’t got room for that. When I hear the word battle, I think of wars and destruction, chaos and hopelessness. World Wars, not Clash of Clans nor Fortnite. Don’t use the word battle with me. I prefer to remain positive in my life. The chemotherapy is doing it’s job, as I can see by my baldish little head. Getting chemo is no battle. The side effects can be a royal pain in my ass at times but that’s no battle. I’ve got two eyelashes left on my right eyelid and maybe five on the other. I washed my face the other day and looked up to realize my left eyebrow went down the drain. Each morning I wake to find that my Taxol rash has changed locations on my face so I have to keep pulling out the good old chemo bag of tricks to fix it. I get to swab the inside of my nostrils with coconut oil to counteract the dryness every morning. My eyes are so dry that I use artificial tears several times a day to stop the insanity of tears. My nose runs like a broken faucet and just for kicks, sometimes it’s not snot but blood that drips down. I sleep like a baby at night, up every two hours because I’m either having the hot flash from hell (thanks chemo induced menopause), thirsty like I am in the Sahara Desert or have to use the bathroom because I drink water all night long. The skin on my feet are peeling off in sheets, thanks to chemo sucking every drop of moisture out of my poor little body! I also get heartburn if I look at food the wrong way or drink too much water. I won’t go into chemo gut but let’s just say it’s a crapshoot every morning of surprise. These little gifts from chemo rearrange themselves on a daily basis so I never know what’s coming at me next. It’s become a game to stay ahead of them. Some days I win but once in a while it’ll smack me upside the head and say “I’m here!” It’s no battle, I’m somewhat amused by it at this point!
Survivor. What does that mean, exactly. When does being a survivor start? In terms of breast cancer, some say you are a survivor starting the day you are diagnosed, your cancerversary. Some say it’s after your surgery. To me, I’ve associated that word with being a victim of some sort first and then surviving it. I’m no victim, of anything. I have chosen not to be. I don’t want to survive something. I want to be a thriver, I want to grow as a person and not remain stagnant. I don’t want to just live and survive. I want to accomplish things and thoroughly have a kick ass time enjoying life. Go big or go home, that’s more than surviving, that’s more than living. That’s me. I can be larger than life at times. Does that make me strong or brave? Probably not. You can call me a warrior though because it kinda makes me sound a little badass for being a pint sized girl!
What am I trying to say here? First, I am trying to change the conversation about breast cancer. Lift those taboos and fill y’all in on what it’s really like. No filter. As you can see, it’s a little weird sometimes, a little gross, sometimes painful but doable. I want the hushed conversations about who has or had it to stop. Let’s talk about it normally like it’s a manageable disease. Second, it’s not doom and gloom. Can we please start using positive language instead of things that depict doom and gloom? Words can easily either lift someone’s spirits or bring them down. I have chosen to live as though I am not a cancer patient, unless I am sitting in the chemo chair with a line into my port, then I am certainly a cancer patient! I have also chosen to be open about everything I am going through with my kids. I don’t want the word “cancer” to be a scary one to them. Ninety nine percent of the time, I feel great, occasionally after chemo, I get the Benadryl groggies and take it easy for an evening.
Speaking of feeling great, knock on wood, I seem to be skating through this second part of chemotherapy, better than expected by all of us. I’m being monitored for neuropathy but I am hopeful by keeping my extremities warm at all times and by keeping my heart pumping hard with exercise that I will avoid it or not get hit too hard. I will also be going for heart scans again soon to make sure there was no damage from the targeted therapies that I’ll be on until next January, thanks to being HER2+. The fact that I can work out and run and do some personal training says that I am most likely ok. My oncologist told me that as amazing as I feel on this second leg of the chemotherapy journey, once it is finished, I will notice that I will feel significantly better. How so? I’ve probably adjusted to what my body is going through and this is my ‘new normal’ and my old normal will be back. Well ain’t that some shit!?!?! Wow, I can’t imagine how great that will feel and am excited to get to that turning point.
I have five short little weeks to go til I am all done with chemotherapy. I can count days now. I have so much to look forward to this spring and summer…no more chemo, reconstruction, tattoo, summer trips with my family and a lot more free time on my hands.
I am sure that without the love and undeniable support of my husband, I would not be doing as well as I am. Any time I have an idea, he’s more than quick to figure out how to make it happen. I am a self motivated person, always have been, but having his love has propelled me forward and stronger. Love is knowing that I will have the rest of my life to spend with this guy, making each other laugh and making each other crazy…
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