I have spent seventeen really long months living in the cave called cancer. It is its own world, complete with its own language, which I had to learn. I am now well versed.
I got dragged into the cave kicking and screaming. I had no choice since I wanted to live. Originally, I thought I wouldn’t be in there for a long time. Just a quick visit, no time to set up shop. This was not to be. Hormone negative, HER2+ IDC and DCIS is a punk ass bully. Once I realized that, I knew my thinking had to change. There is no simple surgery and you’re done. There is no simple surgery and a normal round of chemo then you’re done. Nope. I got to have the whole enchilada of treatments to make this asshole go away.
HER2+ is a rough one to get, it is the bully that kicks everyone’s ass that it can and it can get back up again. Modern medicine now knows how to put it away, for good, if we’re lucky. I’m living as though I am one of the lucky ones.
I am really thankful that I went through chemotherapy. Please don’t take it lightly. Chemotherapy is awful. It is tough. My body betrayed me by becoming cancerous and now I betrayed my body with chemotherapy. Chemotherapy ate my hair, dried out my skin, gave me mouth blisters and my digestive tract still has not forgiven me. My toes and fingertips hurt, my joints ache, my arms have lost range of motion. My implants are permanent cooling devices, my smiling boobscicles. If I tilt my head down, snot comes roaring out and plops onto the floor, sometimes my dog if I’m putting his leash on. Holy &%$#, I am here. I am alive. I will heal. My body will forgive me even if it cannot return to the way it was. That’s ok. I cannot return to the way I was.
I am about to break those chains that bind me to a strange schedule that I have found comfort in. This is my last infusion. Number 18 of Herceptin and Perjeta. I made it through this, 12 taxol and 4 red devils. My pole that my therapies have been hung upon has become my friend, my dance partner in the halls of the cancer center. I get to leave this cancerous cave today and figure out life again on the outside…one achey step at a time…
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