Freedoms

School is out for summer and that means freedom for the kids…and me. We decided to do some things differently this year. Normally, 48 hours after school lets out, we are on a plane flying out to wherever. We decided to stay home the first week and then head out to Boston for a vacation. Why Boston? Well, beach vacations are something I cannot really enjoy just yet and my oldest enjoys learning about history. Boston seemed perfect and it never really dawned on us that we’d be there for Independence Day celebrations. Seems perfect to me!

No one could be happier than me that it is now summer...

There is a freedom in knowing that I am done with chemotherapy. I’m on the mend now. My health is returning, and so is my strength and endurance. I am not free from all of the “what ifs,’ but I try not to dwell. Vacation was a perfect way to forget for longer chunks of time of the ordeal I was handed for the past nine months. I was free to be me, a somewhat normal person, and I use the term loosely!

Is there really freedom from cancer once you’ve gone down the dark alley of chemotherapy and surgeries? Yes and No. The evil nugget of doom has been long gone after surgical intervention last year when Felicia vacated my chest a long with some lymph nodes. Her freedom meant my freedom. She’s gone. The thought remains with me though as one node was positive for micro mets, but ten were removed and I am clear. In theory, after surgery, I was “free” from breast cancer but I got dealt a nasty blow. HER2 is aggressive, the asshole of breast cancer. Bitch doesn’t stop for anyone and she’s super powered up. Chemotherapy bought me more freedom from this monster. HER2 meant the most aggressive protocols and I had no choice but to eagerly embrace it. OK, I could have noped it but who would I be hurting? I needed to know I was throwing everything I could at this beast so that I would know I did everything humanly possible to rid myself of this awfulness, even if it meant awfulness for nine months.

I found the resemblence hilarious! I took this selfie a few days after I lost all of my hair. Sometimes, to survive the awfulness, it helps to be able to laugh at yourself and have some fun!

I lost my hair and it was a little cold this winter. It meant freedom from having to do my hair and gave me a new excuse to shop for hats and wigs. I missed my hair. Some days, I embraced my shiny head and really played up the makeup and grew to love it. Other days, I looked like Uncle Fester and cried and just wanted to hide for a while.

My hair is growing in a fun salt and pepper shade. I miss my long crazy waves of auburn hair. Perhaps this new shade is meant to be mine. It’s pretty against my skin and I have freedom from worrying about it fading into weird orange shades in the sun. I’m pretty set on keeping this grey. My hair returning is a gift that I don’t intend on abusing.

I am free from active chemotherapy but will be dealing with the ramifications for a while. My joints ache no matter what I do and I refuse to take medications for that. I want to heal from within if I can. My surgical scars from the exchange surgery are healing beautifully. They have already begun to fade. My double mastectomy left my chest with huge purple/red smiley faced scars that are now a soft and gentle pink. Pink for breast cancer, nice touch! Like a soldier, these aches and scars remind me of the harsh battle I fought for my own freedom.

I apparently am not free from harsh criticisms from those who don’t know any better. Here’s a few things not to say to someone who has endured multiple surgeries, chemotherapy, targeted therapy and suffers from daily reminder of the cancer shit storm. It could have been worse (no effing shit, Sherlock). You should be thankful (I am beyond thankful for my life and the quality of life afforded to me while going through this crap). So many others have had it worse (it’s not a damn competition and we all get dealt a shit sandwich with different toppings when diagnosed). My feelings are valid and some days I feel downright awful. It’s okay. It happens. I know I am out of the worst part of treatment and my heart is being monitored closely due to the targeted therapies. So far, no damage nor decreased function but I know it’s a real possibility. The good news is that anything that occurs can reverse itself, meaning the heart will repair itself when treatment stops or is halted briefly. This journey isn’t all sunshine and roses. If I were to portray it as such, I’d be a liar. Some days are hard but most days are not. It really is all shits and giggles. Some days I cannot help but laugh and the ridiculousness of what I deal with and have gone through. Other days, well, thanks to the targeted therapies, I am thrilled I don’t shit myself. For real, and that truly makes me giggle!

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in people’s minds about cancer and treatments. Y’all wouldn’t believe the bullshit I’ve heard! Yes, breast cancer can be cured and is very treatable when caught early. That doesn’t mean it is to be taken lightly. I breezed through chemotherapy compared to most and am now on a targeted therapy until I complete a year. No one would choose to have cancer nor go through what I did. To get through it and survive, you have to go big or go home. I went big and continue to do so. I finished surgeries and chemotherapy This targeted therapy is not to be taken lightly. It’s really not optional. It is a must if I want to remain cancer free. It’s not as though skipping a dose is the equivalent of deciding not to take ibuprofen. There’s really no wiggle room if I want to have the rest of my life. I am free, unless it’s every third Wednesday, then my ass is hooked up for Herceptin and Perjeta because I ain’t taking any freaking chances that this shit is coming back. I am doing this for me because I really don’t ever want to do it again.

I loved every part of being in Boston for the Fourth of July this year. Nothing better than feeling free...

Vacationing is a little different for me this year. I bring my chemo bags of tricks with me. One filled with various pills for anything that can go wrong and the other with creams, toothpaste, ear drops and eye drops for all of the other things that can go wrong. I bring liters of water with me as I dehydrate rapidly for now. I am coated in sunscreen and carry that with me as well.

As I walked the Freedom Trail in Boston, I realized I have a sense of freedom that stays with me now. I am truly in the land of the free because of the brave. I, too, am free because I was brave. I have the freedom to seek out the doctors I feel are best suited for me. I’ve earned my independence from chemotherapy, side effects and surgery. I am free to live my life and that is a privilege I will be forever grateful for.