I got a much needed break from life recently. We jetted off to Mexico for a week of sun and warmth. Magically, the warm air made my achey joints stop hurting and I felt great, aside from some gastro intestinal distress. Lemme tell ya, you definitely don’t want that on vacation and most certainly not when you are out of the country. Somehow, I survived…and no one knows me down there!!
Before we left, I was lamenting about how my life is a chronic shit show (see what I did there) of infusions, pain physical therapists and school aggravation. While I was away, none of that mattered. I was free. No time contraints, no appointments to rush to and minimal schoolwork for my sons. Miraculously, I felt like me again. It was exhilarating. I was able to focus on resting, having fun and enjoying the world around me along with my family.
When you are in the trenches of multiple appointments during the week and feeling achey and tired, those moments are fleeting. But why? Perhaps, as a cancer patient, our minds are consumed with every aspect of our care. There’s little room for entertainment. The aftermath of cancer, chemotherapy and targeted therapies can be a major downer if we are not careful nor aware.
Self care is important. That does not mean doctor appointments and shit. It means we need to do things that lift our spirits and allow us to feel free as often as we can. We need to find ways to escape that “cancer patient” feeling. I got cleared for pedicures several months back and decided I wanted to go before we left for our trip. I asked on our town page for who people felt had the cleanest place. That did not go well as a few told me why I should not get one. In hindsight, unless you are my oncologist, shut your pie hole and just answer the question I asked. I did not get a manicure nor pedicure and did not get that little bit of normalcy I so needed. Trying to feel human means sometimes wanting to look normal and do what other people do. I will get my pedicure…as soon as this cold snap stops!
Art therapy is something my hospital offers. I really wanted to do it but there’s no set schedule and I just kept forgetting to ask. It piqued my curiosity. Instead, I’ve since started taking water color lessons at a local coffee shop and have fallen in love it. I adore the painting and creativity and the freedom it allows my mind. I can escape for a little while. The classes themselves are small and upbeat and really just so much fun. This is part of my self care. I’m allowing myself to explore and learn something new and not be intimidated if I’m not great.
Self care is also making sure I find time during the day to just take a breather. Hold up, y’all. Before you even dare to think, ‘wtf, she’s a stay at home mom, breather from what?’ Well, I take my role as mom very seriously, in fact, mom is not only a name and noun but this here human being has made it into a verb. My mornings center around my kids, making sure they eat real food for breakfast, cooking hot lunches fresh daily for them to take as well as making sure everything is organized in terms of activities, rehearsals and games/practices. Once I get them to school, I’m at the gym because yo, cancer may have taken my old boobs but I’m definitely working on being new and improved. I need to keep myself fit and healthy so that I can keep on keeping on. Gym is part of my self care as I actually look forward to it and enjoy my time there. After that, back home for shower and cleaning and errands then getting a jump start on dinner before the kids come back and then the husband comes in from work. Once they’re all here, I’m back to being focused on them and homework and dinner and listening to their days until they go to bed. The gym in the morning is my time and I make sure I leave time in the afternoon before chaos for recharging myself.
Self care also means getting out of our heads sometimes. There are parts of the old me that I miss, mainly the non achey joints. The pain makes me feel really old sometimes. I miss my long red hair. My hair came in grey and wavy and is growing at a snails pace, thanks to the targeted therapies. It’s frustrating. I was hoping it would come in all white or some other hue and not grey. But it did. I was hoping it would grow fast. I thought by this point I’d have about 4 inches of hair. I don’t. It’s more like 2 inches. I really do not want to look like an old lady with an old lady hair do. I try to remind myself that it is growing, it will grow faster once I am done and I will eventually be able to have enough hair to warrant a trip to a salon again…next year.
My implants are not perfect and I’m good with that. Should I move certain ways, there’s obvious rippling. I don’t care. They’re still bigger than before, even, same sized and will forever remain perky. For some reason, it doesn’t bother me at all. I love them and am very pleased. I don’t need to remind myself how fortunate I am about those! I got real lucky!
When people say, “It could have been worse,” you don’t think I know that? Damn. Yes, I could have been on a protocol that there’s a possibility my hair would not grow back, or I may not have been a candidate for reconstruction, or I could have had complications and more hospitalizations during the course of treatment. All cancer patients, no matter the kind nor stage, know the realities they face and the ways it could go. Please, add that comment to the list of shit not to say to a cancer patient.
If you are on this cancer journey, make yourself a little mental list of things you'd like to do that you've been hesitant about. Then pick one and go for it. Find some quiet time to enjoy a cup of coffee or tea alone or with friends. Find things that you know for sure can make you feel like you did before, even for a half hour. Your soul needs it. Your heart needs it. We all need this very much.
Sometimes our glasses are not half full but they are half empty indeed, because cancer and it’s treatments are draining. No matter the age, stage or prognosis, all of our feelings, anxieties and longings are valid. We are entitled to our feelings. We are allowed to process through them at our pace and when we are able to, we can see that the glass is half full, most of the time. We need to pour that water for ourselves, by ourselves. Doing things for ourselves is self care and part of the healing process.
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