Every doctor visit starts off with the usual question now, “How do you feel?” no matter the type of doctor or the visit. My answers are always the same. I have aches and pains but my energy level is back, still don’t have range of motion with my left arm and the Herceptin drip has never gone away. I can fling snot real far! I think the conversation needs to go from “how are you feeling” to “how are you healing,” especially in light of the pandemic.
Going into the storm of cancer and chemotherapy, we think we know what to expect. Loss of hair, nausea, fatigue, but the reality is, it wan'y what I had thought. There was so much more to it than that. Sitting with my nurse for my chemotherapy class gave me a little insight but still, not quite it. I knew I had to really take care of my teeth and get a dentist visit in before starting and that getting manicure and pedicures was not in my best interest. Staying ahead of digestive issues is a lesson I will never ever forget and readily share that when I hear of someone new about to start chemotherapy. Side note-I am so happy I don’t have a shower curtain here! I learned about chemo nails, Magic Mouthwash and the importance of staying hydrated and so much more from my pink sisters. Our medical team tells us what they know from reading and observing. We really learn by going into the fire and listening to warriors who have blazed the trails before us.
Leaving the world of chemotherapy is just as rough to navigate, current pandemic aside. We need time to rebuild our immune system and gather ourselves up. We are left to deal with grey sunken eyes and shiny heads with little tufts of hair sprouting, feeling slightly less than human. We are told to be cautious, rest, exercise and be kind to our tattered bodies. We need a manual. How do we heal?
What no one tells us is that is when the fear sets in for every stupid little freaking thing. I kid you not. Two weeks after we had moved to Florida, something bit me in the grass across the street while I was walking my dog. My toe got red, painful, puffy and gross. Great. Infected? Did I just get some bizarre tropical disease I don’t know about? Is this how it ends for me? I get taken down by a bug bite? Turns out, it was probably a fire ant and some prescription antibiotic that I had from Jersey took care of it. A few weeks later, my right pinky would hurt on and off. I was too busy to deal with it until it looked off to me. It was slightly swollen. OMFG, tumor?! WTF is this thing? I couldn’t bend my finger, tried the whole ibuprofen and ice thing. Nothing helped. Off to the local Urgent Care I went. Turns out, it was tendinitis from an epic water gun fight I had with the kids and I had to wear a brace for 4 weeks for it to heal. Was it worth it? Oh definitely and I’m certain to do it again! Lastly, two weeks ago, my toe was hurting again, really bad. I tried looking at it closely and thought, oh crap, I got a wart? So I did the whole vinegar, duct tape and filing thing. Did not make any kind of difference so my mind got to me. What if it is one of those mutant lesions that is cancerous? Off to the podiatrist I went. No wart. Not cancerous. Turns out from running, I developed an abcess under my nail. Gross, right? Through no fault of my own, my toes are shaped funny (isn’t everyones?) and causes a whole lot of friction and it got infected. Gross but not earth shattering. I’m all good now.
I am learning to try to talk myself off of that crazy ledge, always expecting to hear something bad. After hearing “you have cancer” once, my head automatically goes back to that dark space.
So, how do we heal? Time? Will that fix it? Will a day ever come where the fear and trauma of what I’ve gone through won’t rear its ferocious head? Perhaps a manual of sorts would hel. We can heal our bodies as best we can through exercise, physical therapy, nutrition, etc. How does one heal the mind and soul? I think an important part of that is to tell ourselves that it is ok to not be back to our old selves. Finding a way to come to terms with it and embrace the body we are left with is key. This lovely new normal is where I am meant to be. Maybe it is ok to be stuck in this odd space and not be in such a hurry to “fix” ourselves at a pace that isn’t right. I learned to slow down during treatment, I think the same applies to healing. I need to listen to myself more, resting is ok. I run daily and eat well, I’ve gone back into self Reiki and meditation and peace is slowly finding it’s way back to my heart.
