Today makes 6 days post op from my double exorcism. The forced nap was delicious, tyvm. This has been a very long and slow process and I’m impatient. I am simply blown away by the amount of support I have received from my in-laws and friends and community. You all are amazing and have helped me tremendously. The flowers, balloons and cards brighten my day, the calls, texts and visits really make me so very very happy and O.M.G. the food!! Thank you, thank you, thank you for making sure we're eating well. You're all my angels and I love you for it...
I’m still figuring out how to do things I’d take for granted, like staying awake sometimes!! Showering is a whole epic process. It’s like I have testicles on tentacles! They wobble to and fro and I can’t just let them free fall. There’s a shower bag that I hang around my neck and insert those lovely bulbs, after emptying and recording amounts. Hawt, right?! Getting dressed takes forever!! T-rex arms don’t allow for a great choice of clothing, along with my free floating appendages.
Sweaters and coats are a struggle. Grabbing things off of a shelf require the use of all sorts of things that I can find. Once in a while, I have to remind the kids not to close the bathroom doors because opening them is too much of an effort. Did I mention the amount of times I’ve had to call for help so that someone would open a door and let me the F out? They don’t tell you about these things!!
My armpits are still numb which makes shaving a royal pain but I do it. You’re quite welcome for that visual but I need to feel like me as quickly as possible. Most of my chest is numb and I’ve developed a rash that may be due to things that went on in the OR. Phantom sensations and pain. Really. WTF. They took my funbags and replaced with empty bags yet once in a while I feel that boob feeling. Guys, I really hope y'all don't know what I mean but ladies? It's like my boobs have come back from the lab to freaking haunt me every so often!! Ugh!
For the first time today, I looked at the aftermath. It wasn't good but not as horrific as I had thought it would be. I was too afraid to peek without the surgeon present so that I could ask a zillion questions, which I did, which put my mind at ease. Still, it’s going to be a long process.
Freedom. I’ve been pardoned from the evil corset from hell. Pale blue with dark blue flowers? There was nothing even remotely cute about it. It did hold me together and allowed a place to pin my four bulbs and drains. The Velcro dug into my numb sternum and left redness and it was horrible to breathe in but I’m free!
A little more freedom? One set of drains and bulbs are gone! It wasn’t pleasant having them removed but now my clothes should fit a little better. That lost set of balls remain with me in spirit though. I’m so badass that I don’t need all four anymore. Two will do for now…
More freedom. I’ve got driving privileges again! Stay off of the sidewalks, ok? It felt amazing to sit in the driver’s seat and drive home from the hospital today. Opening the car door and buckling myself are still a very difficult process but it’s a victory. Hitting the drive thru at the pharmacy proved to be too much of a challenge though! Soon…
Changes. This is my new normal, for now. It will change. This whole process is about change. The very words "you have breast cancer" changes your life in ways never imagined. I may feel different and tired and in all kinds of wonky pain. I’m not as active as I was and it bothers me to no end. I have to consistently ask for and accept help for most things right now, which is totally unlike me. So many changes I do not like.
There are changes I do like. Two surgeons changed my life. One saved it and the other is making me whole. A team of doctors and nurses kept me safe in the operating room, and afterwards. Maybe I’m learning to let go a little bit and trust a tiny bit more. Even with all of these changes, I’m still me, with more changes to come. This time, I am ready…bring it. Hey cancer, you picked the wrong boob. I don’t fight like a girl, I fight like a warrior.
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