It seems my birthday has snuck up on me this year. In my head, it is still early September so I wasn’t quite ready for today. Normally, I kinda make a big deal of my birthday. It’s not a day, it’s a week, after all, I was named after a princess! Not this year. Instead of the usual act of buying myself a present (or several), I’ve been busy with various medical appointments and coming to terms with a cancer diagnosis. Only recently have I been able to say it out loud. I’ve also been doing things to get myself as healthy as I can. I think by doing so, I was able to breeze through recovery for a double mastectomy with lymph node removals. The average recovery period is 4-6 weeks. Who has time for that? Jeez, I have kids! I guess I took that as a challenge and was pretty much back to me within 2.5 weeks. However, I am not who I was two months ago when I was diagnosed. Don’t ask me who I am now, I’m still learning that and I am enjoying the process.
So much has changed. I gave up running, P90X, kickboxing and PiYo and I miss those classes and the women terribly. I’ll be back there again. I no longer have my nightly glass of wine and a tiny bowl of snacks that I frown upon when the kids reach for them. I’m not sure why I gave that up, maybe an attempt to be healthier? I cleaned out my cosmetics vanity. Ever read what’s in the make up or skin care we use? I am a cosmetics junkie, devoted Estee Lauder consumer for over 25 years. The stuff works and looks amazing. She even has a breast cancer foundation. Still, some of those ingredients were not what I am willing to put on my skin anymore. See, having a degree in chemistry still pays off, even while not in the field anymore!! In my search for cleaner products, I noticed it’s an open market. There are some skin care lines out there. I have found that I really like Tata Harper (tatas!!! haha!!) and Juice Beauty the best…but there’s not a whole lot out there that you can buy in a store after sampling, the way you do with premium lines. Makeup was harder. I’ve fallen in love with Tarte. Again, there’s a whole market out there and it would be nice to have more lines readily available in stores and not MLM nor mail order.
I’ve gained a different perspective on my life. I’ve learned that I need to slow down a bit to be well. Gone are the days of crazy errands and projects while the kids are in school. That has been replaced with watching a little TV, catching up with friends and organizing my life a bit better. Perhaps this was the universe’s way of telling me to lose the chaos for a while. Once the kids are home from school, they are my focus but I’m not as high strung.
I am a novice in this crazy world of cancer and have started to let go and trust in the team of doctors I have. That’s no easy feat. I very much like to be in control of my life. With cancer, it’s all “hurry up and wait,” all of the time. You wait for test results, you wait for consults and surgeries. Everything is so spread out. There are still mini panic attacks where I lose my head. I have to sit on my hands so as not to google anything. Again, I have learned to let go and really rely on what I am told by my doctors. I consider myself very fortunate to have such an amazing team.
Now I get to enter into the world of chemotherapy. Deep down, I knew I would but I didn’t want to face it and all of the stuff that comes along for the ride. I was petrified of surgery but not of chemo. The first consult with my medical oncologist has made it become entirely too real. I cried from the moment I got back in to my car all the way until it was time to pick up the kids from school. Two and a half hours. That’s why big sunglasses were made. Then I had to go back the next day to meet the nurse who taught me everything I needed to know. You guessed it, bawled. At least I’m consistent. I probably should have invested in waterproof mascara.
I am going to lose my hair. I know it’s temporary, just like losing the girls. I’ve been expanded nicely and although I still look rather alien like to myself, I do really like what I see. They’re spectacular. Anyway, as a preemptive strike, I decided it would be best to cut off my hair. That way, it’ll be less traumatic to have small short pieces fall rather than long chunks. I wanted to lose my hair on my terms. Go big or go home. I went big. Since it will fall out anyway, why not do something I would never have even considered before? Getting the length cut off was a bit traumatic and again made this entirely too real. I cried. However, a great friend held my hand and passed me tissues and talked me through it while a really talented stylist gave me a really radical new look. When I looked in the mirror, I realized I loved it and was no longer saddened. Now I can look forward to it growing back in and going back to her so she can keep my look changing and fun.
I also realized that now having foobs happily growing in my chest, I can no longer refer to them as the girls. Why? Well, I’m not having any problems with these!! Does that make them boys? They’re a little uncomfortable, not squishy or bouncy but will definitely be worth it after all is said and done. The surgical scars have faded quite a bit but are still there, looking like a big smile on each one. Happy Boobs… daily reminder to myself that this is going to be ok
So what happens now? A whole lot of back and forth to the hospital for chemotherapy for five months. That’s a lot. I’m a lot. I picked up a pink wig, ordered a strawberry blonde one and have yet to haul John out wig shopping with me. I am not thrilled about the prospect of losing my hair. I plan on mixing it up and making the most out of this with hats and accessories. A whole new reason to shop!! I am hopeful that chemotherapy won’t be as awful as I imagine it in my head. I have kids to raise and lives to run and need to be able to function. I have read stories of women who were able to work, travel and work out while undergoing various treatments. That gives me hope. Five months is a short period of time in the grand scheme of life. Most things worth doing are difficult, why wouldn’t this be? I guess in a roundabout way, I am giving myself a gift this birthday… I get my life back, but better…I just have a little work to do before it’s entirely mine again.
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