The countdown begins!! Since September, I’ve had three operations, one hospitalization and 4 rounds of Adriamycin and 4 rounds of Cytoxan, both brutal in their own ways. I’ve lost my hair and my taste buds and at times, my mind. Each round bought with it new adventures, not the fun kind. For this last round, my sinuses flared during the Cytoxan. It was as though someone took my head and slammed it underwater and it all went up my nose forcefully and fast.. I sneezed like crazy and just dealt with the pain as it’s a short infusion. Miraculously, it all went away as soon as the drip was done. I felt good for about two days afterwards and then the slime mouth began. Everything tastes like warm sour lemon oil slime. Nothing tastes good. Not even my beloved coffee. Then on the fourth day, epic fatigue unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. I slept most of Sunday after cleaning the house. I was white as a ghost and so was my tongue! Anemia. My oncologist told me I was slightly more anemic at the beginning of this round than last and to expect being tired. That was a huge understatement. Forty eight hours of that nonsense and I was feeling better and more like myself. The rough stuff is behind me now!
I’m bald. Ok, baldish? My oldest, for whatever his reason is, likes to rub my bald head every morning. I find it hilarious and don’t mind at all. He pointed out a few days ago that I had hair growing. I was shocked! I have fuzzies and they’re weirdly grey and white only. Uh oh! Later that morning, I realized I had to shave my legs! I wonder if I can donate that to Locks of Love…
I have one T Rex arm and one almost normal one. The emergency surgery set me back on my
left. I can get that one to a 90 degree angle to the front only. Part of that arm is still numb. Luckily, I don’t need to shave my armpits for a while longer! You’re welcome for that.
I’ve started working out again. Some days, I can only power walk on an incline and others, I can get a run in. It’s a start. No planks, no push ups and no hot yoga for a long time though. Classes are out of the question. Once I can get my energy back in full swing, I can start using some of the circuit weights for my legs at the new gym I joined. I didn’t realize how much I needed to work out. It gives me a sense of calm and I know I am making myself stronger and healthier. New Year, new me? Nah, this is who I have always been. I love to workout and can be quite crabby when I don’t.
It’s winter. Fortunately, we’ve only had one snow fall. Normally, I try and run out there and shovel so that my husband doesn’t have to. I’m perfectly capable of clearing out snow, especially if I am home. Why would I wait for him to come home and do it. Seems almost mean!! This year is different. I can’t. I am seriously bummed and frustrated about that. I cannot clear snow. I am hopeful for an easy winter. I am especially hopeful for no snow on Tuesdays and Wednesdays so I can get to my infusions! I’ll take a blizzard on a Late Sunday/Early Monday or Friday because I love a surprise three day weekend!
Breast cancer followed by a double mastectomy and hard chemotherapy can easily sink your spirits, if you’re not in tune with yourself. It’s too easy to lose who you are with all of the craziness and changes. But that’s not who I am. Here’s my nutty nugget of pseudo motivation that plays in my head, “it is what it is, just suck it up and deal.” That’s what I do. It works. It’s not fight mode, it’s not brave. It’s logical and pragmatic. I’m going to have a rather complex and long operation, how do I bounce back fast? I’m going to go through specific chemotherapies. What can I do to get through it as uneventfully as possible? Well shit, I lost my hair, now what? Here's what pushes me along...I have a child with a neurological disability and I’ve always told him to face challenges head on, and he does…yeah, well, my turn. I had to grab this bull(shit) by the horns and straight up figure it out, just like he has his entire life. Honestly, I was petrified of surgery and very nervous about the first round of chemo. I had to figure out how to somewhat skate through and keep life going for all of us here. I have a family and lives to run. I don’t have time to wallow now. Besides, it does nothing.
I’m four months in this rabbit hole, three more to go. Hey, I can’t math but that’s more than half way done! I will start 12 weeks of weekly infusions that should be more tolerable than the dose dense regimen I was on. Every third week will add two more drugs until I complete a year of them March of 2020. Those are a targeted therapy for my specific breast cancer. I’m not thrilled but it is what it is and it’s better than the 8 weeks of AC. The hair on my head may start to come in but I may lose my eye brows and lashes. My nails might get funky too…I guess I can’t win them all, right? For now, I’ll just keep moving and grooving and looking forward to counting down the weeks until I am done with chemotherapy in spring. That’s when everything blooms and grows in the beauty of the sun…I’ll be right there with them, probably wondering when I can dye my new hair pink!
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