This was supposed to be my year, y’all! I keep thinking it is still summer and there are still a number of months in 2020. I’m obviously wrong. While most people are busy making resolutions, I’m busy reflecting. I don’t do resolutions, life is too complicated and dynamic for such things.
We made our move to Florida and I am very grateful but this is not how I envisioned life here. Don’t get me wrong, I have it quite good here. The plan was to move and the kids would start in new schools. The husband and I would be out every day exploring the local fun spots then telling the kids all about what we’ve seen while they tell us about their days. On the weekends, we would explore local outdoor markets, artist villages, fishing communities as well as some nightlife in the larger cities…sigh…
Physical therapy would continue and I’d work on regaining strength and range of motion with their help. Rebuilding my body and stamina through running and hiring another personal trainer down here were in my plans…maybe look into other art classes in the area to continue with painting, get back into photography and portraits again…
I was supposed to get my tattoo after a considerable amount of time had passed from my last Herceptin/Perjeta infusion. I had planned on getting inked for Mother’s Day but the world noped me on that. I have had some time to rethink the whole tattoo thing. I am definitely getting one, still on ribs on the side that Felicia hung out in. Now, I’m tossing the idea of adding a teeny butterfly right by my port. Cancer tranforms you, I went through the ugly dark days, I’m a butterfly now.
Instead, I spend my weekdays jockeying between two kids and their online school work, re-explaining things, reinforcing things and figuring out why the printer won’t work. Although it is a lot of work, it’s not bad at all. Our county has a wonderful online option and the teachers from their schools have been nothing short of wonderful. Their curriculums are fast paced and challenging but reasonable. Things are not the way I thought they would be right now but you know what, it’s ok. Life is actually amazing for me.
I have the unfair advantage of perspective. It’s a lovely parting gift that cancer tossed my way. Cancer came along and smacked me hard and turned my life upside down for over a year. I learned from cancer to be patient. I learned to survive and fight for myself. The experience has helped me stay level headed during the current pandemic. I am patient enough to wait and not take risks right now.
I realized during the holiday season that I have not been able to truly exhale this year. I started 2020 with my last infusion and planned on so many things afterwards. Not many coming to fruition, mainly the most important one-healing. I was out for just a few short weeks before the lockdown happened in New Jersey. Suddenly everyone was home with me-kids for school and husband for work, but I still had some free time. Putting the house on the market and then the move ate up any free time I had for myself. Settling into a new home and getting the kids situated with school, while unpacking and dealing with new furniture orders left me exhausted. I have not had a chance to breathe since finishing treatment. I have not had a chance to work on trying to stretch out my frozen shoulder. Most important, I have not given my chance to begin to somehow heal from the whole cancer ordeal. That’s important. Chemotherapy and targeted therapies take a wicked toll on the body. Neuropathy, aches and pains, digestive issues…fears and concerns…I haven’t even begun to address those things. Self-care is hella important during treatment and remains just as important afterwards.
While in treatment, I was able to receive Reiki while hooked up to various cocktails. Now, since I am Level 1 Certified, I practice Reiki on myself a few times per week. I have added in guided meditation and mindfulness practices given virtually by my new cancer center every week. Yoga starts soon as well. Embracing as many holistic practices can only steer me in the right path to health. I’m becoming more consistent with it. Continuing to run, hike and stick with a mainly plant based diet balances things out for me. Most days I can stick with an anti-inflammatory and anti-histamine diet and the results are amazing. Aches and pains melt away, with no medications needed. I came through all of this not needing to be on any medicines and I plan on staying this way for as long as my body allows. This is part of my self-care. This is part of trying to heal after the shit storm called cancer.
As odd as this year has been, it was not a bad one for me. It was a year filled with joy and triumph. I don’t stick my head in the sand about the current state of the world, but I remain hopeful. I am eagerly waiting for my turn for the Covid-19 vaccine. I discussed this at length with my oncologist and we all feel it is a good idea. Hope got me through the hardest parts of chemotherapy and is once again taking center stage. Maybe 2020 did not pan out the way I envisioned it, but I am lucky and I am grateful. I made a promise to myself, 2021 is going to be my year, y’all! Look Out!
